putting the *dys* in dysfunction since 1993.

As long as I'm being honest (is there any other way to be? NO, not for me... thank you very much.)...

I have struggled with romantic relationships my whole life. It's hard to understand. I'm an overall emotionally healthy gal, with decent amounts of self-esteem and love. I've worked hard on myself, cultivated a sense of purpose, independence, spirit. I'm okay with me, we do alright.

Enter another person into the mix? Ugh.

There are a few things that have traditionally gone wrong. 1. I've been attracted to addicts. My counselor says it makes sense since addicts (who have their battles, obviously) also tend to be very sensitive, compassionate, and loving people. 2. I like to "fix" problems. So if someone has a minor/major/catastrophic issue... it hasn't stopped me. Why? Because I see solutions! I see potential! I see what might/could/will be... (please reference "perfect" and learning about how little I actually control). 3. I see the silver lining. This is kind of an addendum to point 2... but cannot be overstated. At my core, I am a truly positive person. I see the good more often than not. I see the light! I see what *could* exist, often bypassing what *does* exist. This is a problem.

Essentially, this has created a perfect storm for not choosing partners wisely. Or more precisely, not knowing when it's time to cut my losses. Some lessons are tough to learn, but when the pattern repeats itself...over and over and OVER again... time to take a good hard look at things. Someone once told me "You are the common thread in all of your dysfunctional relationships." Ouch, right? Yes...but no! This is a fabulolus point. We teach people how to treat us. If something doesn't serve us, we need to change it. If we are unhappy with what we've created... who can we possibly look to but ourselves to make things different and new and happier? No one is responsible for our happiness except us. How can we even fault others for being themselves? We can't. If it doesn't work for us to be with them, it's up to us to make that choice... Period. Harsh? Yes. But oh the pain I could've saved myself had I figured this out sooner.

New chapter begins. Dating after years of faulty relationships and a troubled marriage... all I can say is, wow. It ain't pretty. I've learned so many interesting things about myself, and more importantly, what I DON'T want. This is a great thing. If we can't be clear with ourselves about what we want in our lives, how will we ever have it? I have been stumbling around in the dark, stubbing my toe, bumping my head. It gets old.

I'm learning. Baby steps (*side note: If you haven't seen "What About Bob?" with Bill Murray, I highly recommend it.) It's a road... it winds, the gravel can be loose, there can be potholes... but it's something. A start. Happiness, like charity, begins at home. Home is both literal and figurative here. I look to me to make me complete.

I can say this. Staying in the here and now helps. I love a really great conversation. I appreciate someone who can really listen. I adore someone who remembers details. It's a whole lot of fun to have adventures, to get out and about and explore this beautiful world with a companion. These things matter. The future is wide open.



xo. k.a.m.